Trigger warning: Eating disorders, weight, weight loss
I have been ‘recovered’ from my eating disorder for the last couple of years now. (I write recovered as a loose term, as I don’t think you ever really shake it) – but I wanted to write today about why I’m no longer using weighing scales, and why, even though I’m able to know the numbers and understand my body and weight, I probably will never go back to them:
I wanted to beat my eating disorder
Eating disorders, body dysmorphia and a whole lot of food obsession has been a huge part of my existence for the last 7-8 years and one of the biggest aspects of my recovery was not feeling the urge to weigh myself every single morning.
I used to wake up and the first thing I’d do would be stepping onto the scales, once I’d given myself the best opportunity to be as light as possible (before breakfast, after peeing, naked etc. etc.)
It honestly used to be the most anxiety-provoking way to begin your morning and it’s the most mentally awful thing to do because you’ll never be happy with the results you see and it sets you up for an awful day.
One of the first things I tried when I had decided to pursue recovery was hiding them or asking my mum to hide them from me… It was horrible and tough, but in the long-run, so very worth it.
(I did also actually consider smashing them but the clean-up job just didn’t seem worth it!)
I was obsessed with numbers
Kind of in the follow up to the eating disorder- a lot of my issues focused on number control. I would count calories, measurements and the number that popped up on the scale as marks of progress or where I had ‘failed’. It took a while, but I properly educated myself on BMI, the comparative weight of muscle and fat- and I came to the conclusion that the scales? Well, they’re literally no reflection of my health.
If you want to hear about how I knocked calories out of my existence then take a look at this!
My clothes are the best indicator and also the worst ever
I’m angry as heck about how variable shop clothes sizes are (a rant for another day) but I know how my body is shifting and changing by the way that my clothes actually fit.
Just because I’m a couple of pounds heavier, it doesn’t actually mean that my body has fundamentally changed shape at all. I’m still the same person, but perhaps I’m holding a bit of water weight. My jeans will still fit!!
My value is not dictated by a number
I guess most importantly of all, my body and my weight do not dictate my value. They don’t make me Rach. My weight does not give me my sense of humor, my love of animals, my nerdy obsessions, my love of writing, my jealous nature, my messiness… all of the things that actually make me ME.
Eating disorder and recovery is always going to be a long journey, but it’s one that I’m continuing on for the foreseeable future!