I don’t talk about my sex life a huge amount on the internet for several reasons.
1- I feel like other people write and produce far better advice than I could, and I would literally have to learn from them.
2- I love self-depreciating humour and sarcasm, which doesn’t bode well when you’re trying to talk sexy or be serious about things. (Soz but willies is a funny word and I am very childish)
3- My mum might read this.
But, at times I see shit on the internet that makes me want to scrap my reasons and to have a frank and open conversation about it. Because, I am certainly sex-positive, I have no shame talking about it and when someone from Love Island of all things, tries to preach on how young people should approach casual sex… I want to have a frickin’ say in it.
The reason that I’m writing this blog is pretty simple. Amber Davies, of Love Island ‘fame’ posted a video yesterday detailing her ‘new rules’ when it came to casual sex.
Now don’t get me wrong, I liked Amber on the show. I supported her, but it makes me hella mad that she’s posted this video. Watch it for yourself down below, before I go full-on mental at how ridiculous this whole thing is:
Are young people having too much casual sex?
Here are @Amber_Davies7's new rules on sex.
— BBC Radio 5 live (@bbc5live) April 4, 2018
Rule number 1 literally says ‘no sex on the first date’.
As a 23-year-old woman, I have been sexually active for the last 7 years. I’ve had several partners and I have had a few one-night stands in my time. For me, I’m totally fine with that.
Sex to me is fundamental in a relationship. If I go on a date with someone, we hit it off and there’s a lot of chemistry, then I have no problem at all having sex on the first date.
I met my ex through what I had assumed was a one-night stand, that turned into us dating for nearly two years after.
I’ve had sex once with someone I met at a club, I realised afterward that it didn’t make me feel that good about myself, and I didn’t do it again. But once again, it’s what works for you.
Stop putting shame on people shagging whoever the hell they feel like it. Be safe, tell your friends where you are, make sure that you’re both consenting… and then crack on lads.
Rule number 2- If there’s alcohol involved, ask yourself are you going to regret it in the morning
Okay yep, a valid point.
Alcohol definitely hinders decision making, there’s nothing wrong with taking a second look at the situation before you put yourself in it…
Rule 3- Don’t think sex is to impress (”I think a lot of men and women would be more impressed if you don’t put out on the first date”)
To be honest, I would be a lot more impressed if someone was open, honest and had a fucking mature and healthy attitude to sex.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to ”put out” on the first date, there’s nothing wrong with doing things to pleasure and um- impress (?) your partner, as long as those things are done in a healthy way and you don’t feel forced into it.
ALSO, STOP SAYING I CAN’T HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE.
Rule 4- No ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘no strings attached sex’ (”We know that us females get emotionally attached after sex”)
I actually cannot believe that she even said this, to be honest. This is such a ridiculous thing to say.
Sure, for me personally the only time I’ve had a friend with benefits it really didn’t work out. I got attached, I wasn’t on the same page as them and I got hurt. But hell, that was my own damn fault for saying that I wanted something that I didn’t.
I also really hate the generalisation of women in this context. Stfu Amber.
Rule 5- Don’t follow the crowd
Finally a rule I can agree with… that also contradicts everything you just said?
What Amber Davies’ rules fail to recognise is that they perpetrate misogyny. They equate having casual sex with shame, they undermine a woman’s right to have sex whenever and with whoever they wish to.
The rules that I’m abiding by? If you’re both consenting adults, having fun and keeping yourself safe (including testing regularly) then you do you. Sex isn’t something that needs this kind of stigma in 2018.