A very honest update

I’m writing this in my car at 7.45am. I start work in 15 minutes but I feel almost frozen to my seat with anxiety. I can feel my heart beating, I know that my anxiety is producing the sharp cramps that are rolling though my stomach and I know that the very slightest comment is going to unleash the big pile of tears that I’m trying so hard to keep locked up.

Because the last week has been one of the most mentally draining and difficult of my entire life.

Work is a huge part of my life (considering I spend 40 hours a week doing it)- so when it goes tits up like this, it’s very difficult to not let it leak into other aspects of your life and for me personally, I find it incredibly tough to detach and enjoy other things when I’m this worried all the time.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or advice. I’m writing this because I have been told so many times that people envy my life. But although on the surface things can look great, there can be so much going on with a person that you wouldn’t even realise.

Most of the anxiety is stemming from one person… although 10% is actual stress about the amount I’m expected to do and the fact that I’ve made a couple of mistakes because my head is so not in what I’m doing.

I’m aware that this probably sounds like an almighty first word problem to a lot of people- but all sadness is sadness in my book. I am allowed to feel shitty about my own problems, as well as caring about the bigger and wider world

I’m going to go in now.

I know that it’s going to be a really rough day/ rest of week, but I’ve got bills to pay and cats to feed… so for now, I’m just going to have to make it work.

Rach

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