Trigger warning- EDs, bulimia, body image
If you follow me on Goodreads on Insta (which ya should because I’m a hella lot less deep and emotional on there lol) you might know that I’ve been reading “Body Positive Power” by Megan Crabbe. A book about loving yourself, who you are and the path to overcoming all that self-hatred that society has taught us for so long- and it hit me really hard.
After I finished body positive power- I cried. I cried a lot- because it’s taken me so long to finally break away from 23 years of being told “the right way to be”.
My mental illness and my desire to be thin engulfed me for years. I lost my prom night, family holidays, girls trips, evenings at uni and nights out to my ED- never being able to fully enjoy it without the fear of what I was doing and how much fatter I would be getting. I spent months, years even- grabbing at my stomach, my chin, my thighs and always telling myself I was never good enough.
But after deciding to learn and understand more about body positivity and the movement itself- I’ve sobbed it all out. (I mean literally I was ugly crying like Kim Kardashian)
I cried for the girl who wasted so much of her time on this stupid endeavour when she was perfect to begin with.
I cried because I felt like my eating problems took so much away from me and it isn’t fair…
But I’m also crying with happiness. I’m so happy that I’ve started this journey. I’m so happy that I love my body the way it is so much more now- and I feel like a huge part of my heart has healed over in the last few weeks.
Yes- I haven’t healed myself overnight like some miraculous goddess, but what I have done is reached a turning point.
I haven’t weighed myself in almost 6 months, I went out yesterday to eat TWICE with different groups of friends and ordered whatever the hell I wanted. Even though it’s been nearly 4 years since I was regularly binging and purging- it’s been a long road that I’m still taking towards full recovery.
(Seriously- can we show this pancake some love? Look how glorious it is!)
I also think that Luke has and is helping me so much along the way. I’ve never had boyfriends who ever told me my body was anything but perfect- but with him I don’t feel like there’s anything not to love.
I guess love isn’t a healer but it’s certainly a helper at giving you body confidence and actually feeling like you’re enough.
So enough rambling- I guess here’s to many more months of feeling good about myself and from turning the corner!