Trigger warning- eating disorders, weight gain, anxiety.
One of the hardest parts of recovering from an eating disorder in my opinion, is managing the feelings of guilt you get when you gain weight.
I was never super-skinny because I never suffered with anorexia and my restrictive eating would be interspersed with binge/purge behaviours, but at one point I was around a stone and a half lighter than I weigh up today.
It’s something that tells me that my body was trying to grab back some of the extra curves that I’m supposed to have and although I accepted that weight-gain was going to be an inevitable part of recovery and stabilizing my diet would lead to my body changing- when I look in the mirror sometimes, I almost can’t believe that it’s my body that I’m looking at.
After my ED recovery and when I started eating better and more normally- my body shape completely changed. I no longer had tiny boobs, skinny legs and a slightly rounder tummy, instead, I have big hips, big boobs, thicker thighs and I’m generally just a much curvier girl than I ever thought.
There are parts of me that love this. I love that my stomach is slimmer, I like that I finally have a bit more of a booty- and HOLY SHIT having big boobs is the damn best! But there’s still so much guilt that I think people don’t realise comes from weight gain, when you’re to all intensive purposes- ‘recovered’.
I’ve been battling this a lot over the last day or so (blame long work hours and drinking too much caffeine) but I’ve really had to actively seek out some body positive instagrams and listen to music that gives me a confidence boost.
It’s so strange because sometimes I feel great in my body and myself- but I won’t lie that it’s been a tough learning curve prioritizing my health, happiness and recovery over the desire to be recovered but still ‘’skinny’’. I have days (like today) where I see photos of myself and I just feel almighty guilt wash over me.
I do want to end this blog on a positive note, because ultimately I am happier and I’m so much better now that I don’t have to fight bulimic thoughts every second- but it’s still a journey that I’m fighting. It’s something that I didn’t realise could still be such a prominent feature in my life and it’s something that I think only people who’ve been there and back can really relate to.
I want to embrace health, I want to stop giving a shit about the media and the engrained archetype of ‘feminine beauty’- but fuck, it can be so tough on days like this.