Dear diary… I still have foods I fear

Trigger warning: Eating disorders, bulimia, anorexia, depression, and anxiety. This is based on my own unique experience.

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Instagram is a funny one, isn’t it? It really is a snapshot and sometimes just a flat-out lie of what’s actually going on with a person.

I took this photo this morning, because hey- it looks nice with my kinda blue/ white theme that I’m going with at the moment… and also because I want to look normal some of the time.

But the thing is- muffins terrify me.

Lol even saying that sounds hilarious.

It’s not that I had some horrible nightmare as a child that I got eaten by a giant muffin or that I’m actively scared of baked goods… but to the mind of someone with an eating disorder- they embody everything that I was most frightened of.

Sugar, fat, chocolate, big pastry, doughy. Bloody terrifying.

I would consider them to be one of my number one ‘fear foods’-

“Eating disorder patients often have a conviction and morbid fear that types or amounts of food will lead to instant and discernable weight gain.”

When I was at my worst, I used to make lists. Lists of foods that I could and couldn’t eat. I think I’d read in an anorexia journal that someone had black, grey and white foods- which is where the idea stemmed from.

White foods I could eat fairly freely- grey foods were every now and then.

But the black foods- they were foods that I wouldn’t touch in a million years.

As part of my recovery, I had made myself eat an awful lot of fear foods, but somehow- this one had never seemed to come up… and yep, it scared me.

It felt strange to actually be thinking like that for the first time in a while- but honestly, it must have been years since I ate a goddamn muffin.

I did consider just popping it back in the box and letting Luke eat it later, but hey- since I’m a fighter and I try constantly to shut up my idiot brain… I ate it.

Even though it was a delicious muffin, the sick feeling in my stomach has been hard to sit with. I’ve felt tense and anxious about it- but I guess I’m always going to be on the road to recovery… even if sometimes it might be a bumpy ride.

Rach

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