Dear diary… I don’t want another mental illness.

TRIGGER WARNING: I’m talking about depression, SAD and anxiety.

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I went for coffee with a pal earlier- and as we were catching up, she asked me how the last couple of weeks had been since we’d hung out.

I’m always honest, so I explained to her- that although everything seemed to be going incredibly well and that I was pretty good on the surface… deep down I’d been feeling low and very flat lately, for no notable reason.

I had been feeling hella meh and like I just really couldn’t be bothered to do anything lately. I’d felt tearful the last few weeks and like everything was a whole lot more tiring and difficult than it had been a few weeks ago.

She suggested that I might have a touch of SAD…. otherwise known as ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ or sometimes known as ‘winter depression’.

I almost laughed it off, because it seemed so unlikely in my mind.

I couldn’t possibly have anything with the word ‘depression’ in.

Depression is not something that I have.

I have anxiety. I have OCD. I’ve had eating disorders.

I can’t possibly add something else to my ever-expanding list of mental issues. Can I?

But the more I’ve researched it this afternoon, the more likely it seems.

Although I haven’t officially been diagnosed- I’m going to take a trip to my doctor to see what they think- but there’s a part of me that’s really freaking out.

There’s a part of me that can’t actually deal with the possibility that I might have another thing wrong with me.

It’s shit- because I really want to be the person who’s open to how normal mental illness is. I want to talk about it, keep the conversation going and be there for people who also might be suffering.

But I’m panicked that I might have yet another thing that I really understand…

I don’t know. I feel like I’m once again being the person who can’t seem to manage.

I don’t know how to combat that feeling.

For more information on SAD check out :

http://www.sada.org.uk/

 

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