Dear Diary…am I scared to get older?

In my head, I’m still 19.

I know that sounds strange, but I definitely do not associate myself with being 23-years-old, and I think that a lot of people feel this way.

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(I mean honestly my selfie-game at 19, was awful. Also hadn’t discovered eye-brow pencils)

 When I asked Luke, he said that he still felt that he was 20-21.

My mum feels like she’s still 28, my dad- feels like he’s 34.

I guess it’s pretty normal then, that most people definitely don’t feel like they’ve been ageing throughout their lives- and whenever I remind myself that actually I haven’t been 19 in nearly 5 years, I come to appreciate all over again, just how quickly time passes.

Life is so short… but also- it’s the longest thing that we’ve got.

I use the phrase ‘life is short’ all the time. To justify buying yet another denim jacket, eating another biscuit, buying concert tickets I really can’t afford- but really, I do get anxiety about not making the most of it.

I’m not so scared of the fact that I won’t be anywhere near as attractive in my older age. I’m happy to grow old with grace, pick up laugh-lines and although i’m not gonna enjoy my perky boobs dropping down, that’ll be a result of hopefully having a baby and seeing what my own body can do.

My fear isn’t of ageing, it’s of not enjoying every moment that I’ve got while I’m young.

Am I pushing myself to the limit? Am I taking risks? Am I settling for things when I could strive to be better?

This anxiety has been beneficial for me sometimes.

It’s meant that i’ve given myself a shove up the bum, when I feel like I’m not making the most of situations.

I’ve removed myself from a dead-end relationship, because I knew I deserved better.

I’ve quit my job on the spot, impulsively, because I couldn’t bear to spend another minute filing paperwork. (Still a life highlight)

I’ve partied until the sun came up, I’ve been to festivals, I’ve been crazy-impulsive and in a way- I do feel like I’ve made the most of the start of my twenties A LOT.

But also, I’m happy to be a little older and a little wiser.

Looking back at 19 year old Rach, I can already see what a few extra-years of life has done to me.

I’m definitely still the same person in a way (confident, ambitious and opinionated- excessively into cats) but also, I’ve matured.

I know that a few years ago I was emotional, volatile, difficult and let’s face it- quite bitchy at times. (blame that all-girls school environment)

It’s a part of who I was- but I’m trying to be better.

As I age, I’m recognising my flaws. I’m trying to be kinder, to be less-driven by the heat of my emotions, and more by the fact that I can choose how to be and how to behave.

With ageing comes life experience- and growth as a person. I’m enjoying that I can look back at me a few years ago and notice that I’ve shed some of that previous anxiety and some of those flaws.

I know that there are hundreds of things that I’d like to do, see and be in the future- and I’m ready for the time to pass and the process to continue.

I guess, ultimately- no matter how much I think about ageing, it’s the only thing that is inevitably doing to happen to me in my life. There’s no point not enjoying every moment of life, because that’s the one thing that has a deadline.

I’m excited about getting older, because not only will I do and achieve more- I’ll also evolve as a person, and hopefully become the person that I’d really like to be.

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