Life can be really tricky sometimes. I feel like a lot of the decisions that we decide to make when we’re young can have massive implications for the way that it pans out as we get older.
And at the moment? I’m having a bit of an existential crisis.
I’ve been at my job for a year and 7 months. That’s the longest I’ve ever worked in one place and to be honest, I’m wondering if this is it.
It’s not that I hate what I do- I like what I do!
I get to be creative, I get to write things and I work in a place that means I don’t have to sit on a train full of smelly commuters.
But… I don’t think it was what I’d really planned.
I didn’t plan on hours of meetings everyday. I didn’t envisage that I’d manage spreadsheets and give other people feedback, and have to be a bitch sometimes if people just weren’t performing up to standard.
It isn’t me- and there’s aspects of working in an agency job/ working online- that I’m really not sure I like.
As a kid, I wanted to be a ballet dancer, sing on the stage or be an artist.
After my GCSEs it became pretty clear to me that my passionate relationship with cake was going to stop me from being a ballet dancer.
My crippling stage-fright would probably be a problem in the West-End… and my art was okay.
It was okay, but it wasn’t going to make me money.
So, I did what everyone who hasn’t got a fucking clue does; I went to University.
I didn’t study English like I probably should have- instead, I studied a humanities degree that was pretty interesting. I wrote essays and got good grades- and then I was back at square one again.
What the fuck was I going to do with a Sociology & Criminology degree?
I took a year out to do an MA in Journalism- because I loved writing- and was always told my essay style was too chatty. PERFECT.
I had visions of working in a newsroom, a magazine or going all Louis Theroux and doing investigative journalism in a brothel or something. (lol i mean can you imagine me doing that)
I managed to get some work experience at Women’s Health on the features desk for 3 weeks AND MY GOD it was the best thing EVER. I loved it. (You can still read some of my articles on the website now.)
I had stints working as a teaching assistant, I worked in recruitment, I worked in payroll, I even worked on a damn farm for a couple of weeks- but finally I ended up where I am.
I’m happy-ish, but that’s not really good enough for me. So I guess the only thing for me to do now is make a change.
I know that I want to write more (hence why I practice so obsessively on this blog)- I know that in a dream world I’d probably work partly in an office and partly from home.
I know that I need to match my salary now, and also- I want to write about things that matter. Mental health, feminism, honesty, education and relationships. These are all things that I actually get so much joy out of when I’m writing about them, so it only seems right to try and get a career where I can do that?
It’s my biggest personal pet-peeve when people bitch and moan about a situation that they’re in full control of changing, so I need to live by my own standards and make a change.
I’m happy enough for now. The company I work for is nice, I’m paid pretty well- and it’s good to have a regular income when I’m trying to save as much as I can for the wedding.
But it’s something I need to start mulling over in my own mind.
I want to start figuring out a direction and my next steps. Because, just sitting here and going along with it is never going to get me where I want to go.
I might be having a crisis, but I’m damn determined that I’m going to sort it out!