This morning, I had YET ANOTHER damn breakthrough bleed with my contraceptive pill. A week before I was supposed to bleed at all. Bloomin’ frustrating, but it’s got me thinking about how much of my life I’ve spent anxsting and frustrated about managing my contraceptive options and how bullshit the whole thing is. This happens to me every few months and it’s time I started talking about it.
For me personally I’ve been on the pill on-and-off since I was 18. It almost wasn’t even a thing that I weighed up the options about. I got into a relationship, did not want a baby and it seemed like the easiest and sweetest solution to my problem. One tiny pill a day? No problem.
Except, there were a FUCK TON of problems.
I already struggled with an eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and mild anxiety- which meant that my mental health took a massive smack in the face when I decided to add a crap-ton of hormones to my already confused teenage brain.
I gained weight (although nothing wrong with this, it didn’t help an already unhealthy struggle with numbers and body image) and alongside the changes that were occurring in my life of moving away from home, starting a degree and managing my current issues I suddenly had to contend with this urge to cry all the time.
I began to become the kind of drunk who screams bloody murder at her friends, I became the girlfriend who’s paranoid all the time about the smallest and most innocent things.
I don’t and never will only blame the pill for the shitty way I’ve acted in the past or the fact at 18 I could fully be classified as a bit of a psycho… but I still to this day think that it genuinely caused a serious change in my brain chemistry. I was still me, but also a more emotionally volatile version of myself.
I mean don’t get me wrong, the clear skin, the big boobs and the fact that I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant were all excellent, but I continued this cycle for around 4 years and another relationship, before I finally took a break at age 22.
And that was when I realized how much this was impacting me.
Coming off the pill for the first time in several years I realized quite how damaging it had been.
I had half expected my boobs to shrink back to the tiny little lemons they had been when I was a teen.. but they didn’t.
I had half thought that I’d be bedridden and wearing those grandma-esque nappy pants because my period wouldn’t have a clue what it was doing.
Needless to say… none of this happened.
Almost a month after my anxiety was significantly improved, I wasn’t experiencing random spotting throughout the month, I wasn’t anywhere near as hormonal or moody… I had to deal with period pain for the first time in years (which fuck me is hell on earth) but I finally felt like I had my body back.
And now, we’re back on the pill and have been for a while.
When I met Luke I considered the implant, booked the appointment to get it fitted… and then saw the bloody size of it and freaked out.
I have never considered the coil, having known 2 people who have had to have it surgically removed from their body (vom help why- keep that thing away from me)
Natural cycles is the biggest load of bollocks I’ve ever heard.
And I’m nowhere near considerate, smart or sensible enough to rely on condoms. (Ew I’m feeling awkward talking about my sex life. Pray for me that no family members read this)
So here we are again, back on the damn bloody pill. (I’ve tried several different types but it always ends up the same)
Back with the physical effects, the mental health whack and my very scientific Twitter poll tells me that I’m not alone in this:
I’m getting married either at the end of 2018 or 2019- but I’m still by no means ready to be a parent.
I’m going to start considering my other options, but it seems like this is just one of the hundreds of things that as a woman, I’m expected to contend with for most of my life.
It’s ridiculous that in 2017 we’re still facing the same struggle and stigma when it comes to talking about this.
So let’s start talking.